Are you allowed to call yourself a real one? No, I would argue, you are not. That pretty much immediately disqualifies you from being a real one, so I’m already off to a rough start here. But today’s my last day at Kotaku, so I consider it my solemn duty to close out my award-wanting “RIP To A Real One” article series by eulogizing an NPC who’s very important to me: myself.
Overwatch’s Sombra On Her New Film And Its Video Game Connections
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Nathan Grayson—who, to be clear, is me—is the sort of character who doesn’t really make sense in any setting. He doesn’t have a well-defined vibe or aesthetic. He is not good at conveying his emotions or explaining his motivations. It’s not clear whether he’s supposed to be a recruitable party member, a one-note side quest curiosity, or some rando who dies in the opening cutscene. Honestly, it seems like he was meant to be the latter, but he somehow got shuffled into the main deck. He’s extremely lucky, if you ask me.
It takes him a while to grow on you. Like, five or six years of in-game (read: real) time, and then he peaces out right as year seven rolls around. And yes, when he dies, he keeps all the gear you equipped him with. So make sure to beat him up and rob him by 5 p.m. ET today if you ever want that $15 Venmo payment, Ari.
You never get a good sense for his skill set. Is he an overly indulgent essayist? A reporter with too many opinions? A blogger who couldn’t turn in a draft that’s under 1,500 words long to save his life? It never becomes clear. It is, however, fitting that he’s ultimately done in by his goal of completing a 6,000-word reported feature during his final week. From his deathbed—which is not much of a bed because he didn’t sleep last night—he secures his place in the Real One Hall of Fame by temporarily freeing us from this interminable bit. He says:
Wow, and then he died—just like that. RIP to perhaps the realest one of all.
Actually no, never mind, it was Axehead. That guy fucking ruled.
